Tag: relationships


  • Theme:

    Relaxing amongst loved ones

    1–2 minutes

    There is a gentleness in being around people you love who love you. When profoundly content, self-regulation can soften.

    This can mean we treat those we love worse: we relax our guard, and our inner asshole makes an appearance. This is all the more reason to work through your issues so you can relax when you relax.

    Equally, when surrounded by loved ones without the need for competitive rivalry, we can drop politeness, sycophancy, or bitterness. Without mediating or acting out, we might slip into our best self.


  • Theme:

    double standards

    1–2 minutes

    To bear two standards (banners or flags of loyalty) is to serve multiple masters: the favorite person and fidelity to the law.

    Given the inevitable conflict (humans crossing every threshold), the law will be breached and loyalty tested.

    Consistency to the principle (law) fails the specific (person). Once breached, return to trust seldom outweighs resentment.


  • Theme:

    The pain hook

    1–2 minutes

    When we feel hurt by someone, we take it out on them: we keep them on the hook.

    Rather than attending to our own hurt (like physical injury), we blame and rage at them. Thrashing about we further hurt ourselves: the barbed hook is actually in us.

    Until we can approach the pain, and feel it for what it is (ourselves being hurt) we cannot remove the barb, feel forgiveness, and heal.


  • Theme:

    reciprocity fails

    1–2 minutes

    Reciprocal treatment is why people-pleasing fails. To rely on another person for a momentary emotion (pleasure) is to externalize the internal.

    Beyond that, you already have happiness any moment you choose to accept it: giving it away and expecting it to be returned without a loss is idiocy.


  • Theme:

    Respect by looking ridiculous

    1–2 minutes

    What is something you believe in so firmly you’re willing to look ridiculous?

    Once you’ve answered that, and live it, people will begin respecting you.

    From Mark Manson


  • Theme:

    hard-won rights

    1–2 minutes

    The hard-won rights of the previous generation are valuable, but the new generation will have new agendas which grew from prior victories.

    The hard-won rights of yesterday are the footing for new battles today. But the youth are not interested in maintaining old infrastructure. At least not until they grow older.


  • Theme:

    Mutual strain: avoiding rupture

    1–2 minutes

    Being in a relationship involves nerves: getting on them, both good and bad.

    We don’t fall out. Rather, our mutual capacity for tolerance is exhausted.

    The strain of caring, of good, of excellent excess, is a pressure begging release: it can turn positive or negative, but there will be an explosion.

    (Inspired by Alastair Reynolds)


  • Theme:

    Concrete confusion: trans movement

    1–2 minutes

    One complaint of the non-binary and transsexual movement is its unwillingness to define itself or its parameters. Tactically this is smart; strategically, it creates havoc.

    In the “concrete universal,” a very particular example becomes the definition for the broader category, which means it serves as a particular instance for an abstract idea.

    In not defining a “specific point,” confusion is the point. (Without concrete, we are only left with shifting abstractions, easily manipulated and unanticipated.)

    Strategically, vagueness can evade attacks, slipping around limiting parameters as a type of guerilla warfare without standardization. Yet, normative social relations predicated upon the utility and identity of defined (concrete) characteristics are thrown into chaos, and the more literal-minded become anxious, leading them to antagonism to recapture stability.

    Without specificity, how to define or defend an idea also seems unknowable. Unfortunately, we are witnessing any non-majority behavior become equivalent by affiliation with the most extreme aspects; that is, people have begun defining the entire LGBTQIA spectrum by its most confusing aspects and reacting against the whole.


  • Theme:

    confidence, not trust

    1–2 minutes

    You must have confidence, not trust.

    The opposite of confidence is doubt, and if someone sees doubt in your eyes, you will never build a mutual horizontal relationship.

    Banks have relationships based on trust; they measure out exactly how much you can pay back. The association is transactional: doubt springs from analyzing the situation and finding risk.

    Your job in a friendship is to believe in the other person; their job is to reciprocate with their best effort. You do not bully them with guilt; you allow them to find their best effort and develop pride in themself because you did not undermine them. Instead, your confidence provided them an opportunity to achieve.


  • Theme:

    The ease of being known

    1–2 minutes

    The ease of being known through long-term relationships provides a day off from appeasement and mediated behavior.

    Of course, behavior patterns and concessions (reversals) are made, but the established familiarity does not require the exhausting drives of producing momentary charm or establishing dominance.