I have migraines. When the telltale signs creep into awareness (a general “tightness” and manic craving for sugar and alcohol) I stubbornly fight against taking my medication.
My body should fix itself, without help. “Just do your job, body.”
Psychologically, this reveals my idiotic penchant for suffering through something alone, stoically neglecting to consider alternatives.
Perhaps this “desire for pain” is a comfort zone: to stoically suffer is a familiar cost. Obviously, this coping mechanism has become a dysfunction, inducing the migraines that perpetuate the cycle.
Allowing myself to “not suffer” feels like cheating, and yet, the only way out is to “cheat” by relying on others and medication.