Participation in relationships is often avoidance of traumatic conflict.
Consider that the majority of our trauma and joy (anxiety and happiness) is produced by social participation. Almost all of our “problems” are interpersonal and emotively subjective, similar to any glee or contentment we feel.
Social participation is a drug: it keeps our lives meaningfully filled with emotions and exciting destabilization, which we re-label as duty, loyalty, or purpose. To be a good person, we must engage in destabilizing manipulations.
In our moments alone, we become devoid of “meaning,” which, for psychological and practical purposes, is a lack of external stimulation. This lack of external stimulation opens up a moment to confront or examine internal conflicts or personal distress. Rather than dwelling, healing, or accepting these past problems, we rush to create more fresh drama, overlaying the old hurt with the new “responsibility,” distracting and provoking ourselves away from healing.
We seek out relations to avoid how messed up relations have made us, inevitably manipulating and manufacturing excess mess. Thus, we replicate the behaviors that created our coping style: histrionic, bipolar, manic, flighty, etc., instead of remaining grounded, abiding, and stable.