Inconsistent parents can seem cruel, creating a craving for acceptance and validation felt as an internal void only they can fill.
We know that intermittent affection fosters dependency through doubt, that is, by navigating unpredictable moods, we superstitiously come to believe we are at fault for the temperamental weather. So, we produce a fantasy of creating the “perfect conditions,” which will earn a love sweeter for its rarity, reaffirming our worth.
And yet, we know logically that this effort is wasted. Any parent who does not readily provide affection will continually disappoint; more accurately, their continued neglect strengthens the torturous bond as you apply more and more effort to get their affection, ensuring their lousy behavior.
It is akin to mining for gold when the surface is littered with love, and we take pride in the labored anxiety to glean a crumby nugget.