We believe we dislike the person because of who they are or their actions: they caused us to dislike them.
However, the opposite is true: we manufactured our dislike.
We do this because it aligns with our goals: we want to have an enemy or be victimized so we can blame them for our inability to succeed, or we don’t want to be challenged by their brand of honesty.
We reverse the causal relationship by finding a point from which to string together our narrative into what appears to be coherently rational.
Yet the unexamined point is why we cannot accept or forgive this person. Why do our likes or dislikes even matter?
This may seem abstract or untrue, but Alfred Adler points out how love often works: the tiny things that made you adore your partner, how they eat or comb their hair, go from cute to deplorably disgusting once you have decided to destroy the relationship.